She’s Sick Again! Sex and Kissing.

Ugh.  Finally after a month of insomnia, low electrolytes, reactions to medication, and not to mention at least two colds my wife is almost feeling “normal” again.  Ugh.  It’s been almost a month since we’ve had sex. That’s a long stretch, even for us – and especially for me.  She really doesn’t seem to mind, except that she might feel bad for me.

So what’s up now that she’s feeling better?  I HAVE A NASTY COLD!  Which means she wants to wait for me to feel better before we have sex.

“I’ve never heard anything about kissing and making babies,” I say to her.

“What?”  says my wife.

“We don’t need to kiss to make a baby, you know?”

“Welllll…”

“Trust me, it’s true, I’ve studied this topic a lot.”

She giggles.  ”I know it’s true, but still.  Why don’t we wait until you’re feeling better?”

“I’m feeling great!  I’m frisky!  I just have a cold.”

“I know that’s why we should wait.”

And here is a huge difference between myself and my wife.  She will wait for the perfect moment to have sex.  The kids are sleeping or at school, no one might stop by unexpected, she’s done all her work – house work and otherwise – she’s not talking to anyone on the phone, no one wants to talk to her on the phone, the weather is perfect, she’s in the mood, etc., etc.  There is a long list of priorities and conditions that usually must be met before she will have sex.  Jeesh!

I, on the other hand, will drop everything at any moment and go for a good romp anywhere in the house.  Who cares about everything else, Let’s have sex!  Priority #1.  And why not?  It’s fun!  It’s got to be the easiest way for a couple to have fun that I have ever known.  I really can’t think of anything easier, or better for that matter.

*ok, just as a side I need to point a couple things out:

1.  I love sex, but I am not sex-craved.  Ok, maybe I am.  But I do actually enjoy and do many other things in life, both with my wife, with others and on my own.  I believe when there are moments when we can have some privacy we should enjoy each other’s nakedness.  It’s not just about an orgasm, I seriously enjoy seeing my wife full of pleasure and being full of pleasure myself, and both of us being together.  There are so many different kinds of sexual experiences I have with my wife, but in those really special ones I feel absolutely transcendent and in harmony with her.  It’s really fabulous.  Of course then there are the times where it’s more physical, and sometimes, it’s just not that great at all, and then other times it’s just nice to smile at each other and say, “cool, we just had sex on the kitchen counter!”  All these different experiences (and many others) are necessary for making sex a wonderful, fulfilling and evolving activity.  Anything that doesn’t evolve on some level becomes bland to me.

2.  Let’s see, I know there was something else… well maybe I’ll think of it later.  Oh Yeah, i remember now…  Sometimes taking something OUT of the sexual experience can be as exciting as adding something IN to the sexual experience.  In other words, take something you normally do during sex, like lying dow, or undressing, or KISSING, or opening your eyes.  Take one of those away and you have a brand new very exciting experience.  I’ve had amazing sex with my wife where we haven’t kissed at all, maybe I’ll just brush my lips on her subtly, but no outright kissing.  IT’S HOT!

SO.  After a bit of a debate on the value of kissing in conjunction with sex my wife goes to bed.  I stay up and simmer.  As soon as I clear this cold she’ll probably start her period and there’s another 6-8 sexless days.  Ugh.

Redemption in the kitchen.

We were at dinner at our friends’ house about a week ago and I was passing through the kitchen when I catch this part of a conversation my wife is having with her best friend.

“… I mean you know we’re freakin’ crazy, give him a break.”

“Ha HA hA ha Ha.”  They share a laugh over this comment that is apparently very obvious to both of them.  (By the way the “him” is her friend’s husband.  My wife was telling her friend to give her husband a break because she is crazy).

Do you know the significance of this?  I heard my wife tell her best friend that she knows they are nuts, crazy!

I once said something to my wife that very remotely insinuated in a off hand way that she may be slightly leaning towards needing some assistance with her mental capabilities and she totally flipped out.  I mean ran into the basement crying and stayed down there for a good fifteen minutes until I came down and talked her into coming upstairs and at least to try crying in our bedroom.  Which she did, and then she sat quietly staring at the wall, and then after about half an hour more started speaking to me again.  I mean you would think I told her her mom was an android, or I have a twin who’s been taking my place every other week.  No, no it was far less dramatic than that.  You’d think maybe I told her she didn’t look good in the dress I got her for her birthday – come on, I’m not that stupid.  No, no here’s what I said.

“When I asked you to have sex with me you just laughed.”

“I did not!” she says.

“Yeah, you did.”

“I would never do that.”

“You did. You laughed.”

Cry run, cry, basement, cry, convince, bedroom, etc.

“I am not crazy!” was the first complete sentence she said to me after she started crying that night.

“What?  I didn’t say you were crazy.”

“You said…”

“I said, you…” (are crazy!) “you…  Well you know what I said.”  I’m not chasing her into the basement again, “But you’re right you are not crazy.  I would never say that.”  (we are so not having sex tonight.  Jeesh.)

Silence and weird staring at each other, and eventually I go over and put my hand on her shoulder as I sort of sit behind her on the bed.

More silence.  Finally I say, “I just want you to be happy. That’s all.”

It’s true, too.  During all the silence and staring and weird stuff I was thinking in my head what can I say that’s real simple and expresses how I feel?  So first I thought about what do I feel.  Then once I figured that out I thought how can I tell her this real simply, with the least chance of being completely misunderstood.  That’s what I did.

I could feel the tension easing a bit.

“I want us to be happy.”  By the way the whole laughing-at-the-suggestion-of-sex thing?  That never gets mentioned again.  Ever.  And no, there is no sex on this night.

So how does my wife go from one extreme to the other?  Totally flipping out at a mild remark to admitting that she is cuckoo?

She doesn’t.  She is actually both these people all the time.  She can’t admit to me she’s insane.  And she can’t deny to her friend that she’s insane.  It’s all about who she is sharing her reality with.

That’s my best shot at explaining it.  If you have better please please please enlighten my befuddled mind.

A bit of redemption from “daughter” to “Bubby”

If you read my previous post about a certain embarrassing search term that resulted in my blog post showing up in google, you may be happy to know that I also show up for respectable searches such as the one shown below under “Top Searches.”  I must say I feel almost wholly redeemed from that previously embarrassing incident.

I feel almost wholly redeemed from the previous and very embarrassing "Top Search"

A note on the bleeding thing…

My wife was very emotional today.  She came up to me twice, hugged me and cried.  I don’t blame her.  To have a life inside me – actually inside me, and then it’s gone.  I don’t know how that would feel.  Carrying a baby and giving birth is about the most courageous thing I have seen anyone do.  My wife looked like a gorgeous Valkyrie in those moments of birthing two years ago.  Then to carry life and her body just decides “No, not right now, gotta go.”  Sure it’s probably for good reason, but I look at my daughter and son and think about how they both barely made it, how they both could have not been here, and now I’m the one crying.

Physically she’s recovering just fine.  After being in bed most of the last week, she is now up and about and even suggesting we get a babysitter and go out some night this week.  She had an ultrasound and several blood tests and her Doc said she’s clear to have sex and make babies again (woohoo).

By the way a note on ultrasounds:

You’ve all seen those nice movie shots of ultrasounds with the mom’s belly hanging out like a plump beach ball sized peach and the pretty little baby on the screen.  That all happens, but did you know they do a vaginal ultrasound?  You don’t want to know.  There’s a reason that’s not in the movies, and I’ll leave it at that.

 

The bonus of all this is I’ve had our bed to myself!  When my wife doesn’t feel well she sleeps in the living room for fear that either I will keep her up all night or she will keep me up all night, or both.  Having our bed to myself is a glorious luxury I’ll be sad to lose (probably tomorrow night).

So that’s why all the bleeding

I’ve been pretty wiped out lately.  My wife’s “period” started two Mondays ago with heavy bleeding and lots of pain.  I was bummed because I was sure she was pregnant (there was this one night … it was the night before my grand mom died).  After a bunch of tests and a couple doctor visits we determined she had been pregnant and had a miscarriage.  It was very early, so the effects are minimal, both on her body and emotionally.  I think once her body fully recovers the emotions will really kick in.

I can’t imagine having a life in me, and then not.  You women sure have amazing bodies, and I really mean that – not in the hubba-hubba kind of way.  What your bodies do.  That is amazing.  I am both jealous and completely thrilled that I do not have such things happening in my body.

“My Girlfriend is having an Affair. And she Deserves it!”

Huh?

Did my wife just say that?

She did.

She said, “My girlfriend is having an affair.  And she deserves it!”

“What?”

“Her husband hasn’t even penetrated in years… “

“Woa!  That, I do not need to know.”

“Ok, but still,” she says, “She met a guy and it’s totally about having great sex.  She’s still with her husband, but when she’s with this other guy she feels like a woman.  Good for her!”

“Hmmm,” these are potentially dangerous things for my wife to say to me, it’s weird.  ”I really didn’t need to know about the penetration thing,” I tell her.

“Sorry.”

Why dangerous?  Because she is totally justifying my fantasies.  Meeting another woman – not a single bombshell, but a nice mom who’s in a loving committed relationship like me, but is just not getting all the sex she wants (needs?).  In my fantasy we create a pact around sex.  We agree to honor each other’s committed relationships, and we only help each other be happier in that relationship (is this real – no, it’s a fantasy) by having great and frequent sex!

And here my wife is telling me, ‘well if you don’t get it at home go find it elsewhere, that’s cool with me.’

Jeesh.

What the hell is wrong with her?

A passive aggressive moment…

My wife and I have been playing a scrabble game on our ipods for the last few weeks.  It’s Scrabble but it’s called “Words with Friends” because it’s not licensed by Scrabble.  It’s a great app for itouch and iphone.  It works like this:  We each have an ipod touch.  We sign in to the game.  Then we play scrabble, each time I make a move it will tell her it’s her move, and then when she goes it tells me it’s time to go again.  Very simple.  We get really excited about each other’s moves and can’t wait to get back to the game.  Every time one of us plays some tiles we tell the other, “I went.”

My wife might be on the couch, me by my computer, each of us working diligently, our ipods within reach.  It’s a constant back and forth.

“I went.”

tap tap tap tap tap.

“I went.”

tap tap tap tap phone call, hi, oh that’s awesome, ok, see you tomorrow, tap tap tap.

“I went”

I’ll even call her from work. Ring ring ring,

“Hey”

“Hey, I went”

“Ok, see ya”

“See ya.”

Or she’ll text me:

IW

OK

It’s fun.  My daughter is even getting into it (when she’s around and my wife says, “I went,”  I add, “Pee pee?” and my daughter thinks it’s hilarious – the joys of fourth grade humor!)

I’ve been kicking her ass.  She came close once, but every other time we’ve played I’ve beaten her by a large margin.  It got to the point where I started to feel bad for her.  As we began our seventh game I decided I was going to let her win.  I started off strong and then fell behind and then started catching up.  I was doing a good job of staying close and showing enthusiasm about the game, all to make her feel this was for real.  I even threw in some good ol’ trash talk…

Meanwhile, outside of scrabble world… It had been about three days of me coming home late from work (finally done catching up from 10 days in Pittsburgh) and finding my wife practically passed out with no chance for sex.  So yesterday I planned it so I’d be home early and we could both be in bed at the same time all ready for “fun-time”.  Lo, I arrived home and hung around a bit, I chatted with my wife about this and that and watched her do some facebook silliness, and just at the time when she usually goes to bed I said, “I’m going to bed are you coming?”

“I can’t.  I have to do this research for Beth, we’re doing that presentation next week and I have to be prepared.”

“You have to do that now?”

“Yeah.  We’re meeting tomorrow to discuss what we’ll be talking about.”

“Your a pro on that stuff, you don’t have to prepare.  She just expects you to meet her tomorrow and be your brilliant self.”

“No.  She expects me to have done research.  I’m going to be up so late doing this,” sigh.  (Did she just sigh?)

“Did you just sigh?”

“I guess.  Yeah.”  (Jeesh, what have you been doing for the last hour and a half?! Facebook?  Chatting?  You could have gotten this all done by now and we could be having great baby-making sex!)

“Alright, well good luck.  I’m going to bed.”  Grrrrrr.  (Yes I really growled.  I do that when I’m pissed but am unsure how to express it.  It’s a very low guttural growl.)

Words with Friends Scrabble game. App for the ipod touch and iphone. Can also be used to relieve aggression.

At this point I walked into the kitchen and filled my glass of water to put by my bed.  As I set the glass down on the kitchen counter I saw my ipod, still and untouched.  I stood there for a full minute staring at the ipod, my glass in one hand and my other hand on the counter near the little music playing machine.  A big grin spread across my face (passive-aggressive moment here I come),

“I’m going to crush her,” I think and I grab my ipod, flip it directly to the scrabble app and look at my letters for all of 10 seconds before I throw down a 48 point move using only two tiles and spanning four different words, two on the double word square.

“I went,”  I say to my wife.

I can hear her fumbling to get her ipod and get the app started, I’m counting down in my head, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…

“Oh, shit,” she says from the living room, “you’re beating me now.”

“Ok, I went,” she says.

“Not bad,” and ten seconds later I add, “I went.”

“36 points?  Jeez!”  I hear from the living room.  My smile is plastered to my face.  She doesn’t stand a chance.  I’m going to crush her.

At this moment I started feeling a bit like a jerk, but hey what am I gonna do?  Another 28 point move, and she’s feeling the heat.  It’s out of reach at this point so I go into the living room say goodnight and go off to bed.  I lay down in bed with the ipod and finish off the game, winning by almost 100 points.  I’m sleeping tight and don’t even hear her when she comes in to the bedroom.